


Ot Zimnego Soldata to Bucky Barnes

by ImVaguelyAPerson



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Depression, Intimidation, Other, Threats, Torture, Violence, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:31:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImVaguelyAPerson/pseuds/ImVaguelyAPerson
Summary: Part One: A series of drabbles based on the Winter Soldier activation words and why they were chosen
Relationships: None
Comments: 13
Kudos: 3





	1. демонтировать: зимнего солдата (18+) (Dismantle Winter Soldier)

**Author's Note:**

> Soldat vs. Bucky Barnes is for a reason. It is to mark a clear distinction between the two.  
As always, this is just an interpretation of the words/character mixed with a hell of a lot of headcanon (at this point it’s mostly just me). I promise the second part is way less painful. Also, I’m still learning Russian, so these words were done via the interwebs.

Желание (Longing)

Soldat didn’t know what longing was. Not often, anyway. He wasn’t given the luxury.  
Bucky Barnes longed for things. Bucky Barnes longed for freedom. For summer days and warm hands. Kind eyes and soft smiles. Bucky Barnes longed for love and freedom and safety and friendship and everything that was taken from him. James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes knew all too well what longing was.  
Not Soldat. Soldat was meant to be mindless. Compliant. Submissive to those who changed him into what he was. A servant. A killer. Soldat wasn’t allowed the luxury of feelings, least of all desire. Need. Want.  
Bucky would, occasionally, manage to break through the Soldat coding. Bucky would remember something else he wanted. Something else he missed. Bucky would…  
A painful series of procedures later and Soldat wouldn’t anymore.

Желание (Rusted)

Efficiency..  
Everything must be precise in its execution.  
Every job. Every movement.  
Pristine. Operating like new.  
Because if something no longer operates smoothly and perfectly and efficiently and effectively; if their weapon gets rusty and can’t carry out its sole function, can’t do its only job, it becomes useless.  
Rusted items get thrown away.

Печь (Furnace)

Sunlight falling against the world in a wash of brightness and heat.  
Fireplaces lit with couples and families huddled around on chilly nights, laughing and happy.  
Warm drinks on cold mornings.  
A loved one’s sweet embrace, whether at the end of a long day or before a departure or punctuating a lengthy absence.  
Two bodies consumed in each other with passion and every emotion their hearts could fathom.  
Lazy kisses between old lovers and shy pecks between new ones.  
Most would think of those things as the heat that radiates like a physical or emotional furnace to keep you warm in all facets of the word. To Soldat, the only appealing association between Furnace and warmth was the potential for death, and in finding it, freedom.

Рассвет (Daybreak)

A new beginning.  
That’s what Soldat was for Bucky Barnes. HYDRA made sure that this reminder stayed. He should be grateful for his new life.  
Except it wasn’t really a life. Because, to them, Soldat wasn’t really a person.  
People have luxuries. People have free will. People have choices and desires and consequences.  
Bucky was a person.  
Soldat was a weapon. A weapon that wouldn’t exist without them.  
Soldat’s daybreak was Bucky’s nightfall.

Семнадцать (Seventeen)

Many assume this is an identifier. The birth of Bucky Barnes, the man before the Winter Soldier.  
Many are wrong.  
Seventeen.  
The number of years James Buchanan Barnes struggled against his conditioning. The number of years he went through torture and training and programming to finally become the weapon they needed him to be.  
The reminder that in the end, he was broken down as a man and rebuilt as Soldat.  
Seventeen.  
The number of years before Bucky Barnes stopped fighting and Soldat was ready to comply.

Доброкачественный (Benign)

Harmless.  
Nonthreatening.  
Inconsequential.  
Removable, in most cases.  
A mention of how they saw him. Benign while frozen. Easily hidden from society. A relief in his absence to those he affected.  
Another warning to Soldat that if he ever failed a mission, if he ever missed his target, if he ever became anything less than deadly then he, too, could be removed.

Девять (Nine)

Another word where the significance was a mystery to most. A complicated word in the many reasons for its use.  
Nine was death.  
Nine was the number of potential soldiers who failed along the way. Lost their lives without so much as a second thought from the organization.  
Nine was a time limit of the maximum he could be out of their control, he did not know it was the countdown for the conditioning to begin fading. He did not know nine was fear for them as well.  
Nine was simple only as a word, and complex in its relevance.

возвращение домой (Homecoming)

James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes never got his true homecoming. He went from war to captive and back to war. His homecoming should have been a good girl and a steady life and a happy home.  
Soldat never would experience a proper homecoming, either. His home was the facility. His bed was a tube that suspended him until he was of use again. His meals were minimal.  
Homecoming was the parallel of two entities inhabiting one body, and the denial of a proper welcome for both.

Один (One)

One. One. One.  
That’s what his life consisted of. A series of singulars. Everything. Every one.  
Every time he came out of the ice, he only had one job. For a long time, one Soldat.  
One handler. One room. One task. One duty. One mission. One target. One plan. One outcome. One chance.  
One, one, one.  
The subconscious reminder that there was no room for error. No second chances. No do overs.  
Only one.

Грузовой вагон (Freight Car)

The phrase of two words serves a dual purpose.  
A painful glaring reminder of how he came to be Soldat. Even if he does not remember Steve or his life before HYDRA managed to break him down, pain and fear are powerful and ingrained so deep in the cells of his mind and his body that the word can elicit the desired response. Fear and uncertainty.  
It also serves as a harsh and simple observation of his life. His routine was controlled. His waking moments planned to the second. Even his missions were timed. Soldat’s entire life was limited, equated to the expanse of a Freight car in comparison to the universe.


	2. Assemble: Bucky Barnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Barnes remembers. He remembers the words. He remembers their meanings. He remembers what they made him do and he fears them. Even after he was ‘fixed’ by Shuri, he feared them. So, someone suggested he learn to love the words by associating the ways they could help him instead of hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language, Bucky struggling a little with the whole idea. I think that’s it.

The terms still gave Bucky pause, if he was honest. It was a conditioned response that his friends reminded him would take time to train out of himself.   
It was Shuri’s idea to start this exercise, associating the words with positive things. Even if they were simple things.  
It was Bruce’s idea to work backwards.  
So, Bucky did.

Freight Car

Death. My death. What it was supposed to be, anyway. Then it was the size of my world. My limitations.  
Now? It’s freedom. I’m not contained to a small space. My bed is bigger than the cryo tube. My apartment is bigger than the containment room.  
Freight cars can be used for storage, can’t they? But I don’t have to contain myself to what would fit in that space anymore.  
My life isn’t limited to the size of a container. Not anymore.

One

Single. Lonely.  
I was just one. Almost always just one. I was controlled by the ones.  
I can have friends now. I can have a lot of things.  
The only one I’m limited to now is my life.

Homecoming

Homecoming? That’s what we get after every mission.  
Always a party. I think Tony just likes the reason to celebrate. Not that I’m complaining, we have a lot to be happy about these days.  
I don’t think I missed out on it.  
It is nice, though.

Nine

Happiness is a nine letter word.  
Something they keep telling me I’m allowed to have now. Most of them don’t think of me as the Winter Soldier. Most of them don’t think it was me that did all those things.  
It was me, though. I was in there somewhere. I remember it, I just couldn’t stop it.  
Tony says he forgave me. He was angry for a while, and I understand. But now, even he says it wasn’t me. It was my body, but not my mind.  
I don’t know if I should get to have happiness. Not after the pain I’ve caused.  
I used to feel like I knew I didn’t deserve it.  
But Tony…  
Nat told me to look at it how she does with Hulk.  
The “other guy” as they call him. How Banner’s not in control. Does that mean he shouldn’t be happy? Just because a part he can’t control happens to cause a problem sometimes?  
I said no, of course not. He deserves to be happy just like anyone else. No one blames him for what Hulk does, not completely.  
She said so why should I be blamed for what Winter Soldier did. Just because the two of us were in the same body? That doesn’t mean I could control him. I still deserve to be happy now.  
I’m starting to believe it.

Benign 

I can live a simple life now.  
I don’t. But I can. I don’t have to be on the team. I have a choice now.   
I don’t have to be lethal.

Seventeen 

I fought for seventeen years to stay myself.  
How do I look at this word positively?  
Well, it didn’t take me seventeen years to remember myself.  
Simple, but it’s a start.  
Right?

Daybreak 

Daybreak means a new dawn.  
Okay, well, I like dawn.  
The colors are pretty. The way the sun rises slowly in the sky, the varying hues of golds bleeding into reds as they chase the night away.  
New days. New beginnings.  
Every daybreak puts the Winter Soldier that much further behind me.

Furnace 

Furnaces bring warmth.  
What gives me warmth?  
Steve says good memories. I wanted to say blankets.  
Okay…  
Warmth? Happy memories? My family.  
My friends now.  
Sitting around the table at dinner, laughing.

Rusted 

This one was meant to remind me of what I can’t be.  
Remind me I always had to be perfect.  
I know I don’t have to be perfect. Mistakes happen. It isn’t always in our control.  
But working as best as I can to minimize those mistakes? I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Longing

Longing. Wanting. Needing.  
I’m allowed to want things again.  
So what do I want?  
In a perfect world, if I could completely trust that everyone was going to be safe and I didn’t have to cover for Steve all the time?  
I want a fucking vacation.


End file.
